Three-nine

Today I celebrate my 39th birthday. Tomorrow I will mark two years since Karen died. Dates that are inextricably linked for the rest of my life. Forever will the happiness of one day be tempered by the sadness of the other yet, at the same time, the pain of the 16th made just a bit more bearable by the joy and love from friends and family from the day before. A sort of calendric Yin-Yang.

So much has taken place in the previous year: a fantastic trip to Asia; ran the NYC Marathon; traveled to various parts of the country reconnecting with old friends; watched my eldest niece become a bat mitzvah; took additional, much needed time to contemplate and process all that has taken place in my life, just to name a few things.

Notwithstanding all the things I accomplished and enjoyed over the past twelve months, today, as I did last year, I am once again thinking about the last (and only) birthday Karen and I spent together. Despite what was to happen less than 24 hours latter, it was a fabulous day. I am almost tempted to say it was the best day of my life, which got me thinking about that phrase and how, or even whether, someone can honestly say it.

“The best day of my life.” How could one actually make that statement unless they know either they will have no more good – or potentially great – days or somehow manage to have their final day on earth be the culmination of all their happiness and dreams. Sitting here now I can say that I have had several wonderful days, one of them being my 37th birthday in 2008. Another of my best days would certainly be August 17, 2008, our wedding day as well as November 7, 2010, the day I achieved my long time goal of completing the NYC Marathon. But can I truly say that any of those were my "best day"? Perhaps no, because as amazing as everything I have lived so far has been, it still might be, as both my parents said in separate places in my high school yearbook, the best could be yet to come.

I would like to think, however, that were Karen able to answer the question she would be able to say that her final day was indeed her best day. It was undoubtedly the best I shared with her. I think it was even better than our wedding day, which was of course the happiest day I had with her, because we were not constrained with all the family pressures and could just be ourselves at our own pace. Saturday we did all the things that made us both happy. We lounged in bed. Had brunch at a nearby restaurant and then strolled unhurriedly in our neighborhood. Later we went into Manhattan for a matinee, drinks at the top of a hotel in midtown, and then dinner at Aquavit. It was all fantastic and Sunday began just as amazingly.

We awoke to a beautiful morning. Lounged around our apartment before seeing my whole family for brunch. After, we once more wandered around the neighborhood and bought several new maternity dresses, after which Karen called and left a message for her mom as we walked to a local cafe we'd been wanting to try for some time, which indeed had phenomenal food. So good in fact, that Karen began to fill out the comment card, something neither of us ever did. Of course, as you probably already know by now, it was at that point that the most fantastic 24 hour period turned into a nightmare.

But that is not what I'm thinking about now. What I'm thinking about is how we did everything wonderful and how she lived life to the fullest right until the end. I also think she would say on that day everything in her life was achieved and she truly was enjoying her best day. She was with the person she loved and felt most secure and comfortable with, while doing the things she enjoyed most. She also spoke or contacted nearly all the most important people in her life, whether that was in person with my family or by phone to hers. Perhaps there was an inner feeling she had that urged her to do all the things she did that day or maybe it was just a continuation of the way she lived her life. But whatever the reason, I truly believe (and hope) that she was at her happiness when the worst happened and would say that November 15 - 16, 2008 was the best day of her life.