The things I should be doing

I shouldn't be doing what I'm doing. This isn't what was supposed to happen.

I should be waking up for midnight feedings. I should be perfecting my diaper changing skills. I should be cooking for Karen and her cooking for me. I should be hugging her. I should be kissing her. I should be making memories with her. I should be watching James grow. I should be growing old with her. I should have a family and we should be living in Brooklyn together.

I shouldn't be thinking about estate issues. I shouldn't be picking out a grave marker. I shouldn't be sleeping alone. I shouldn't be wondering what James would have grown up to have been. I shouldn't have the terrible memories and images from the worst day of my life flashing in my mind constantly as they do now.

I should be happy, but can't imagine that now.