A trip across the country and (in some ways) back across time

I recently returned from a trip that took me from Brooklyn to south Florida and onward to southern California. The trip was intended to be a break from the cold northeast and a chance to visit with some family and old friends. Unfortunately the former plan fell through since unseasonably cold and wet weather seemed to follow me to both locations. As for the latter, the trip was a success beyond my most optimistic of expectations.

Before Karen died, I'd only met her parents a few times but got along with them very well because in so many ways they remind me of my own parents. In fact I joked, after meeting her mom for the first time, that when our mothers finally meet they would either instantly bond as friends or the combination of their presences and personalities could very well threaten the very fabric of the world we know it -- similar to the near catastrophe caused by bringing together the Key Master and the Gate Keeper in Ghostbusters. Thankfully, proton packs weren't necessary and they became, and remain, close friends. But because we'd only met a couple times, much of our getting to know each other was done in parallel with our mourning. This is, of course, far from the ideal manner to develop bonds and there were a few times where our shared grief was so overpowering as to overshadow the foundations of family we share. These moments, perhaps difficult and uncomfortable at the time, were passing and we nevertheless grew closer and I felt myself becoming more a part of Karen's family, which was an wonderful feeling.

I've been down to visit Karen's parents and brother's family in Florida a few times in the past year and of course saw them when they were in New York during the summer. These were good visits, but the time we spent together on my past trip was different. Perhaps it is because we've had over a year to work through our grief and encounter so many difficult dates. But whatever the reason, the trip was more enjoyable and more helpful for my feelings about what has happened and where I am than any we've had before.

As I explained in my last post, I have been thinking about shaving for the first time since Karen died but I was feeling that there was something missing or needing to happen before I finally did. Well to give a sense of what effect the time I spent with Karen's family - my family - had on me, after my visit I decided the time had come for me to shave. I found a barber and for the first time in over fourteen months saw the skin of my cheeks revealed. I don't want to put too much emphasis on it or ascribe greater importance to the moment, but suddenly I found myself looking at a face I hadn't seen since November 16, 2008. It was the face Karen that feel in love with, said "I do" to in Prospect Park, kissed countless times, and last looked at on that most horrible of days in my life. It was this face...



The eyes are more weary and maybe without some of the youthful innocence that has hardened because of the things they've seen and felt, but the simple altering of my facial hair has made a palpable change in my overall demeanor and I feel as if I've taken a big step on my journey. It is a step I don't think I would have been able to take but for the time I just spent in Florida. It is also a step I feel confident will allow me to take yet others that I have been timidly considering.