Father's Day

I knew this day was coming, just as so many others I'm dreading. I've tried many times in the last day or so to write something to share my memories about Karen getting pregnant, but every time I do the words seem too melodramatic and cliched. Instead my thoughts keep turning to how I'm feeling now on this day.

First of all, until I met Karen I never really envisioned myself as a father. I thought it was something I wanted, but never really was able to see myself as being one.

When Karen got pregnant all that changed. Experiencing it with her and watching James grow brought a joy to my day I'd never imagined. The first time I went with her to the doctor for a sonogram was amazing. It was the visit to the doctor when we found out that he was a he. As we watched the monitor, James moved around and then, before our eyes, opened his mouth and let out a big yawn. I held onto Karen and kissed her with tears in my eyes.

To say I was looking forward to being James' father is an understatement. I was more excited for it than anything, except for being married to Karen, in my life. While I never held James in life, I felt him and his presence. Not just from the sonograms or from what Karen was saying she was feeling, but in the weeks before her death I was starting to feel him. Not just gentle, what was that kind of feeling on Karen's stomach, but several forceful and unmistakable movements. In fact on one occasion, as we were sitting on the sofa, I had my hand on her belly and felt him press against my hand with such strength that it was as if he was saying hello to me. I'd never felt anything like that in my life and it brought such joy and pride to me. I could think of nothing more than being his father and raising him with Karen.

I cradled James in my arms once but, as many of you know already, tragically I never held him in life. It is something I think about almost as often as I do about loosing Karen. Just as I ask over and over again why Karen was taken from me, I ask why was James never given a chance? Why would I never see him grow and be a father to him in life? Never seeing the boy, teen, man and, perhaps eventually, father he would become?

But I was his father. I am his father. This Father's Day should have been full of joy for me, but it isn't. I am James' father and will always be, but cannot find or even imagine any of the happiness that should be there. This is yet another day that all I can contemplate is getting through it and, like all the others, I will because it is what I need to do for him, for her, and for me.