What's been giong on...

A short note/post to let everyone what has been going on with me lately.

For those who don't know, I started back at work this month. The firm and everyone in my office have been amazingly supportive throughout and continues to be so. The decision to return was the right one for a variety of reasons. First was that it provides structure to my days, which had become increasingly void of any purpose. I had taken to waking up later and later, followed by an ongoing effort to find things to do during the day. Not to put too find a point on it, but it was becoming a bit depressing - an emotion and feeling I need no increase of in my life. With work, I now have something to get up and get going for in the morning.

Also, being back in the office, amongst my colleagues, is a first step toward recreating a life for myself. As I've said to several people, the person writing this blog and going through this world is not the same as the one who sat down at Cafe Bogota on November 16, 2008 for a quick lunch. That person no longer exists, just as the life he knew doesn't either. Now my journey is to discover and establish a new me. To pick up the shattered pieces of what was and the shards of what was to be, and find a way to create a mosaic of new life incorporating those memories and hopes. To be sure, it is a long path and one without a finite end, but it is necessary for me to be embarking on it and is what Karen would want me to be doing. Returning to work is a small step on that course; incrementally changing my own self-perception and self-identification, which has been centered only on the magnitude of my losses, to something else.

That isn't to say that going back to work has been easy or smooth. On the contrary, it has been a very strange experience fraught with its own grief pitfalls, starting from the first day. I returned to my office and found it nearly exactly as I left it on November 13. Notes scribbled on Post-Its, and documents stacked in various piles on my desk evidenced the almost unspectacular routine that had been the week. I still wait for Karen to call and have to keep from picking up the phone and dialing her number throughout the day; it was a rare day when we didn't talk at least once during our time apart. The dour mood that I feel at home and on the street has followed me to the office.

On a positive side, I am pleased to report that enough money has been raised for the bench in memory of Karen and James, and I have also exceeded the fund raising requirement for the Hazon bike ride.

The plaque for the bench has been ordered and will be installed as soon as the Prospect Park Alliance is able to do so. As I've mentioned to several people by email already, I hope that it will be installed before I leave for Israel but am not certain that will happen. Whether before I leave or after, I plan to have an informal gathering at the bench once the plaque is in place and will post details of that. I will also post a photo and information on the exact location and directions to the bench.

As for the Hazon ride, despite the cold weather I have tried to get out on my bike when I can. On Saturday I was able to get in about 15 miles and felt very good after - i.e., I could have kept going longer. This is a good thing, since after seeing the ride profile, including altitudes and climb/descent grades, I realized that optimism would likely not outweigh some in-saddle time prior to getting to Tel Aviv.

Lastly, I have begun the search for someone to adopt two of Karen's four cats. I am keeping Tony and Grayola, but am trying to find a good home for Chewie and Mocha. They are brothers, about 12 or 13 years old, and were rescued by Karen many years ago. I have been in touch with City Critters, but if anyone knows someone who would be interested in adopting them please let me know.

As always, thank you all for your continued comments and notes of support. I read each and every one, but am not so good at responding or thanking you individually. Please don't let that stop you from writing, it helps more than I can express.

Lost Kiss

I've never really been "into" poetry and certainly wouldn't consider myself a poet, but this popped into my head and I couldn't stop thinking about it until I wrote it down. Your indulgence if it is sophomoric or banal:


I think about our first kiss
And remember it like yesterday
I struggle to remember our last kiss
Obscured by the routine of a once normal life
Just another of the countless times our lips met
Lost but so much more now

Such a short time between the two
Filled yet infinitely more unrealized
Many streets shared with her
A complicated path journeyed
To arrive here today
Without her

Thank You

I want to thank everyone who contributed to the bench in memory of Karen and James. Thanks to so many generous donations, the required amount has been reached and the Prospect Park Alliance is preparing to install the plaque. I am hopeful that it will be done before I leave for Israel and will post a note when it is place.

In keeping with this post's title, I also want to thank everyone who contributed in support of my bike ride in Israel. Today I passed the necessary minimum to allow me to ride. Now all I need to do is get myself, and my legs, prepared to pedal my bike from Tel Aviv to Eilat. I am not sure what my Internet connection will be while I'm riding, but will take loads of pictures and if not able to update daily will continue writing in my journal and post my Thinkerings when the ride is done.

The overwhelming support I've received for both these things, as well as the numerous contributions to Foundation Rwanda and gifts of food, etc., during Shiva, is humbling. People's inevitable first question when they see me is "how are you doing." Without the continued support of my family and friends, both emotionally and more tangibly, I don't think I could answer as I have been. Indeed, without it I fear I would be incapable of even formulating an answer. So in addition to my sincere gratitude for the donations you have all made, let me express my extreme and heartfelt thank you for every kind note, email, text message, prayer, or just thought to yourself that you've sent me. I awake in the morning and am able to go back into the world each day because of it.

Thank you.