Yesterday, February 13, 2009, was Karen's due date, although she was convinced that James would arrive early just as she and her brother had. It was a date we had been eagerly expecting since we found out she was pregnant and one that I was dreading since November 16. Just this week I looked on a calendar we have in the kitchen and noticed she had written "James Here!!" on the date, and indeed a reminder - as if I would have needed one - rang on my iPhone yesterday morning. Now those whimsical notations of events yet experienced are a sad and haunting reminder of what will never be.
Many people sent me messages of support, which helped me through the day. Because I couldn't contemplate what to do during the day I did has helped in the weeks since Karen's death, I walked. In fact I walked a lot! I went from my apartment in Park Slope all the way out to Coney Island and back. The way out I walked along the tree-lined boulevard of Ocean Parkway. On the Boardwalk at Surf Avenue I sat and took in the view. While the weather was sunny and unseasonably warm, the beach was barren save for a flock of seagulls hunkered down against the persistent on-shore breeze. There wasn't a cloud in the sky and through the clear winter air I could see Breezy Point in the far distance and Rockaway Point closer, an line of cargo ships passing between the two as they entered and left New York Harbor. I walked back through Brighton Beach, feeling with each step that I had left New York completely and transported to Odessa, and along Coney Island Avenue all the way back home.
In all I walked about 16 miles (according to Google Maps) over the course of about 5 hours. The whole time my mind thinking about what the day meant. Nothing was resolved or reconciled, but I made it through the day, which was what I needed to do.
There are many more dates in my future whose arrivals I am anticipating with anguish. However, just as I made it through yesterday and I made it to Coney Island and back one step at a time, I will take each new day the same way and get through them. What other choice do I have?
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This is Brenda from YWBB. I just experienced what would have been my 2nd wedding anniversary on 2/3/09. These dates are not easy, and I don't know that they ever will be. I think to myself-years down the road, if I move on in other ways such as family and things, am I still going to hold these dates sacred? I think so. I think of you and my thoughts are with you.
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